1. Armpit Sniffer

This is number one on my list for a reason. I, now, know how “old” spice originated. In fact, she actually looks like she’s getting into it.

2. Barnyard Masturbation

I was going to put an image up, but they were so graphic that when my mom walked into my room I switched to porn. This goes without saying, if you’re still wondering what the job description is feel free to drop by your local farm, and ask for a “hands-on” tour. I’m sure they will give you one.

 3. Weed Farmer

Don’t get too excited now. Yes, there is still hope; however, we must understand that this is work done in a-somewhat-controlled environment. The weed that is grown is given out to government labs and corporations. Although, you need a permit; I heard there are some great perks to being in a giant room full of cannabis .

4. Carney

Ah, there is nothing more entertaining then wiping a smile off someone’s face, as they gamble their child’s college fund away.Indeed, seeing the misfortune of others on a daily basis compensates for the low pay.

5. Adult Store Attendant

As a business owner you need to keep your clients happy. Well, in adult video stores it works the same way… How can you buy a product without testing it? For those of you who cannot see where this is going , it’s actually quite simple. How can you buy porn with out knowing if you’ll be able to jack off to it ? That’s why they created viewing booths, which at times can get quite messy. Nevertheless, history has taught us, that when there is a mess there is always someone to clean it up. =P

Here are some of the common misconceptions, of which I am familiar with.

MYTH 1 : Toilet

No, you cannot receive STD’s from toilets. Including the toilet in the picture, however, you can receive a fair amount of bacteria-related diseases and die a painful death.

Myth 2 : Kissing

Even though it’s on the road to getting an STD it is still impossible to acquire an STD from exchanging saliva, or- as some would say- spit(kissing).

WAIT!

 before you kiss that slut, remember. If the person has syphilis or some type of herpes induced sore in their mouth you can still get it. As I always say bring a flash-light. It doesn’t hurt to play “inspector” right before engaging into promiscuous activities.

Myth 3: Contact

By all means, touching is the most risk-free way to get a cheap thrill. There is no problem in pressing your body against someone else’s, unless you both have open wounds. Oh, and just so we are clear you cannot get an STD from using someone’s phone, or any other form of passing objects around, unless it’s a needle. DON’T DO DRUGS…

HERE ARE SOME WAYS YOU CAN GET STD’S!

Method 1: Go to prison

Maybe you’re the new fish in town, no worries. You will get an STD faster then you can say “bar of soap”. 

 Method 2: Sex

Believe it or not, apparently this has proven to be the most successful method when it comes to attaining STD’s

Method 3: Do some drugs!

Oh yeah, heroin is so much fun. Check out these guys, they look like they’re having a “blast“. 

Article written by Mr.Apricot © 2012

Sick and tired of getting bullied?

In any event, I’m sure most of you have tried or currently are trying some of the more “known” avenues to being bully-free.

In fact, some of you are planning on becoming black belts and karate chopping the kid’s ass. Like this kid.

But, lets face it, you’re never going to meet Jackie Chan. Secondly, you’re not facing a lanky Chinese kid, if you try “crouching tiger” you’re going to get your teeth kicked in.

Or, maybe you’re going for a more realistic approach, and realize that you need to be stronger then the bully. So, you are probably aiming to be like this guy.

At this point, we should agree on something. To be like him you would need a countless supply of steroids, and- lets face it- you’re probably not rich, if you’re getting bullied in the first place. Being like him would also require months of hard work at the gym, maybe even years. C’mon, let’s be honest with ourselves; the reason you’re getting bullied, anyhow, is because you had no mental or physical will-power to begin with. This is, clearly, out of your reach. =)

So, now that we scratched off those stupid fantasies off your list let’s focus on solving the real issue, at hand. YOU

That’s right you’re the issue, there is nothing wrong with the bully. Nonetheless, if I were to see you wearing glasses that could pick up satellite TV I would probably pummel your face in as well, and I’m not even a bully…

Here are some steps and precautions you can take, in order, not to get bullied.

Step 1:  Lose some weight. 

If someone is calling you tub tubs or butterball, it’s probably because you are.

Step 2: Have a personality.

No one likes an “Edward scissor hands”

Step 3: Get Fit.

People like nice looking people; simple, universal law of life.

Step 4: Don’t be a snitch.

Snitches get stitches. Simple as that.

Step 5 : Be Charming.

Like a salesman, talk your way out of getting a beating.

Here are some of the following precautions you can take:

Have some type of talent. If you are in a talent show, or in some type of team. People, somehow, respect you.

Be somebody’s bitch. If you “belong” to someone much stronger or powerful than your bully, then he will think twice about touching you.

Carry a blade. If you shank somebody, you will gain a great amount of respect and a mugshot from prison. Note: When in the shower, don’t drop the bar of soap!  P.S Hope you like fresh fish. They have a lot of that in prison.

Be part of a group, even a weird one.  If you’re involved in a community of people, you will always have support. Even if you are part of the chess or anime club. Believe it  or not.

Article written by Mr.Apricot © 2012

Thinking of putting your folks into a home?

No worries, we all have our thoughts. But, most importantly, “when” should be the real question. Yes, I have the answer to that question and it’s worked out great so far. So, here it is.

I have gone to great lengths to devise the most cost-effective, sinuous, guilt-free system, for placing your parents in an “assisted living environment.” I mean in some cases, you might just be saving their life. For all you know, they could set the kitchen on fire and burn the house down, or – god forbid- fall down the stairs or slip in the tub and crack their skulls open. Now, believe me when I say this, we wouldn’t wan’t that to happen, given the fact that they have an inheritance.

Speaking of which, back to the system. The system is based upon the traditional point-scale system, similar to the one used in kindergarten classrooms. Now, depending on how sick and contorted your agenda is there are many ways to approach this system. The first way is comprised of both negative and positive points, at this point the legal guardian, biological parent, or (victim of your choice) is deducted points for being good and is rewarded points for being bad, after the subject has reached 100 points they are sent to the nursing home of your choice =). The first system is preferred by most, and I honestly recommend it myself; can’t complain when the house is always quiet. The second approach is, somewhat, unorthodox- to say the least. The second way involves giving the subject a series of mathematical, memory, and fitness tests, on a weekly basis.  Every time the subject fails, you give him/her a strike. For those of you who have played baseball at least once in their lifetime and are familiar with the rules, you probably are pretty familiar with the ” 3 strikes  and you’re out” rule. Well, three strikes in one month, and we all know how their ball game ends. Feel free to discuss this system with your loved ones!

Article written by Mr.Apricot © 2012

Rock music is satanic! Furthermore, my actions can speak for my words.
The devil has many tools to instill the seed of evil but this is, by far, the worst. Rock music promotes sex (one of the vilest actions) drugs, violence, alcohol, and homosexuality. Why, just the other day after listening to some Pink Floyd I raped an entire daycare and then burned it to the ground. The following morning after listening to some Slipknot I went to school, picked up an ak-47, gunned down my classmates, and sacrificed my teacher to Satan. One week later my friend introduced me to a band called AC/DC. Subsequently, I bought a shotgun and joined a local biker gang that sells crystal meth to kids called “Satan’s Pedophiles”. Shortly after, the music turned me into a crystal meth addict. Three years later, I recovered from my addiction and left the gang only to discover that I lost my job. Hopeless and depressed, I started listening to some Nirvana and started visiting more bars. It was not long until I became an alcoholic, short on cash. You can now find me at the corner of College and Queen dancing to “hip-hop” music for some pennies, yet again, stuck in one the devil’s traps.

Article written by Mr.Apricot © 2012